


where it wasn’t supposed to be

by AlienBro



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, I wrote this with TOS in mind but it is very easy to read as AOS, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Torture, vague allusions to Tarsus IV, warnings for:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-03
Updated: 2019-02-03
Packaged: 2019-10-21 11:57:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17642336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlienBro/pseuds/AlienBro
Summary: Spock has been in love with Jim two years, three months and nineteen days. Jim has been in love with Spock for just about the same amount of time. Neither of them will say so, citing regulation and emotional compromise as the reasons. But sooner or later, something is going to force their hands.





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> Wow look I’m not dead. Anyways, I’ve been horribly busy with school and work and life. I started a new semester a month ago and got sucker punched by work, and I just moved last month. Forgive me. So here’s the story i was working on to get myself out of my writing slump. Took me about three months start to finish. Anyways, y’all dont want to hear about all that. The title is half a lyric from I Found by Amber Run. The full lyric is: 
> 
> And I found love where it wasn’t supposed to be / right in front of me 
> 
> Again, in case you didn’t read the tags: warning for torture, allusions to tarsus IV, panic attacks and nightmares.

Section 10 - 18.1  
Starfleet Fraternization Regulation:  
Extended Exploration Missions: Engineering, Security, Science, Operations & Medical. 

Spock knew the regulations about dating between officers by heart. He had reviewed them twenty seven times since he met Jim Kirk. He had read them only once before that. 

1\. Officers serving abord a star ship cannot date, marry, or have intimate relations with other crew members without prior investigation from Starfleet 

Spock had been in love with his Captain for two years, three months and nineteen days. He had not told him, nor had he told anyone else. It was a secret kept so close that no one could have possibly known, save one. 

2\. Officers who wish to enter a relationship with a subordinate or equal must submit a formal report to the Captain, Chief Medical Officer and Starfleet HR before entering a relationship.

Doctor McCoy found out quite by accident. Jim had been grievously invited on an away mission, and, as was his customary response, Spock stayed by his bedside — when duty permitted. The Doctor had noticed Spock’s vigilance and had remarked upon it, in his usual callous manner. Spock had found he could not respond: he could not lie, nor could he tell the truth. Leonard, however, seemed insightful enough to notice. He had promised not to tell Jim. 

3\. In the case that a Chief Medical Officer wishes to become involved in an intimate relationship they must instead seek approval from an admiral.

Jim Kirk was the center of the universe to Spock. Everything seemed to orbit around his golden being. It was without logic, but Spock had found that logic did not often apply to Jim Kirk. Least of all the logic that Spock subscribed to: the logic that he should stay engaged to T’Pring, and marry her when the time came. He told himself time and time again that it was the logical option, yet he felt illogically relived when he left Vulcan unbonded. It was not ideal, and he did not know how he would manage seven years from now: but to be able to see Jim’s hazel eyes glittering with mischief as he caught Spock in yet another check mate made the danger all the more worthwhile. 

4\. If any of the above suspect the relationship may be coercive or in any way without informed and enthusiastic consent, HR will conduct a thorough investigation.

Spock knew deep down that Jim would not feel the same way he did. Jim was a man who so full of emotion, it burned inside him like an unquenchable fire. Spock was not an ideal mate. Spock was too emotionless for a human; he lacked the infectious energy that Jim possessed. Spock was — by contrast — too emotional for a Vulcan. He was not enough for one species and too much for the other. He was well and truly destined to be alone. 

5\. If the relationship is found to be without full, informed consent, the offending party will be transferred, demoted and/or expelled from Starfleet, depending on the severity of the case. 

Spock had considered, upon occasion, confessing his regard for Jim. Some nights, when they shared dinner or played chess until late, he thought of it. Some nights, when they were trapped in a cell or lying in sickbay barely conscious, Spock almost does. But yet, he could not. He could see the looks Doctor McCoy sent him while he sat by Jim’s bed waiting for his captain to wake. He saw the pity in his eyes and he did not want it. It was Spock’s own burden to bear that he had fallen in love with someone so unattainable as James Kirk. 

6\. Relationships between commanding officers (ranked Lieutenant Commander or Commander) will also be subject to investigation from Starfleet HR in order to avoid the possibility of emotional compromise.

Sometimes, Spock thought that perhaps Jim knew. He thought this over soft conversations as they leaned over the Science station on the bridge and through apologetic looks cast his way when Jim flirted with someone to get them out of a sticky situation. But Spock always reminded himself, whenever he felt this, that Jim was not like him. That every glance and soft smile sent his way was not an invitation to throw aside caution and confess. Jim was a being of light and love and he did not restrict his affection for a chosen few like so many others. Like Spock, who had felt love only once in his life and was seemingly destined to never feel it again. It seemed that only Jim could cause such a thing. 

7\. If the relationship is not deemed fit by Starfleet HR one or more of the parties involved will be transferred. (7.1: In the case of emotional compromise only. By request, one or more of the parties involved can be removed from command, or all parties can be transferred to a different assignment.) 

Spock had filled out a transfer request form seven separate times since he discovered he was in love with Jim Kirk. Every time he deleted it. Despite his resignation to the never ending hurt of watching Jim, with all his flaws and beauty and emotion, go unappreciated by someone who only wanted something from him, Spock could not bear to leave the Enterprise. But he would not — could not — burden Jim with all of this unwanted affection. He had Jim’s friendship, and perhaps he could survive with that.


	2. Part Two

Section 10 - 18.2  
Starfleet Fraternization Regulation:  
Extended Exploration Missions: Command 

Back at the academy, when Jim was still a bright eyed cadet, he had taken a week long seminar about ethics and relationships on board a starship. As a command track cadet, it had been mandatory. He had been required to memorize the regulations involved in personal relationships between the captain and crew members, which he still remembered to this day. 

1\. Starship Captains cannot under any circumstances have intimate relations with any persons below the rank of Lieutenant Commander. 

The regulations limited Jim’s dating pool to Scotty, who’s married to the Enterprise, Bones, who Jim has no romantic interest in, and Spock. Fortunately (and unfortunately) for Jim, it was the aforementioned commander that Jim found himself in love with. 

2\. If the captain and a subordinate wish to pursue a relationship they must seek approval from the Chief Medical Officer and at least two Admirals (2.1 if the second party is the Chief Medical Officer of the starship then the First Officer may also vouch for the validity of the relationship.) 

Jim hadn’t confessed his feelings to anyone, but even Bones, his closest friend. Sometimes, though, Jim thought he knew. Whenever Spock and Jim spent time together, Bones occasionally threw a knowing glance their way, as if he was aware of some secret. 

3\. The relationship will be reviewed by Starfleet HR in order to investigate any possibility of emotional compromise. 

Jim supposed the extra regulations made sense. The captain of a starship could hide things easier, and had complete control over the ship, as well as there being a high risk of emotional compromise. A logical precaution, as Spock would say. 

4\. In the case of emotional compromise, one or more of the parties may be removed from command or transferred to a different assignment (per request) 

The problem was not the regulations about who Jim could date, but rather the regulations about emotional compromise. To be honest, Jim was already emotionally compromised when Spock was involved. He was certain that if Starfleet started investigating they would find that Jim was already far too in love with Spock to put him at risk. He had to, sometimes, because he was the captain of a starship and sometimes he was forced to prioritize many lives over one. Despite this, when Spock was hurt or missing Jim could not focus, he was agitated and stressed. More than once he’d had to turn over command to Scotty in order to visit sickbay to calm himself down. 

5\. For special regulations in place for telepathically bonded species see Section 8 - 17 Telepathy & Telepathic Bonds: All Fields 

This was all beside the point, because Spock could not have feelings for him. He had maintained on several occasions that he did not have emotions, and while Jim knew that was not the case, he also knew that Spock would most likely choose a logical partner. Jim was not logical. If anything, he was the opposite. He was emotional and chaotic and everything Spock would not want in a partner. It was a miracle that they were friends, and Jim would have to be content with that.


	3. Part Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here’s where all those warnings and the graphic violence tag come in.

Spock had filled out his transfer request that morning, and left it unsent on his computer terminal. He hadn’t known what was going to happen. 

They had beamed down to the surface: Captain Kirk, Lieutenant Kease, Doctor Stone (filling in for Doctor McCoy) and himself. 

Now, Kease was dead, Stone was missing, and Jim and Spock were imprisoned in a cell deep underground. They were there for a total of eight days. They found out later that Doctor Stone had successfully hidden from their attackers and had gotten back to the Enterprise alive, and had returned later to search for them. She was the reason they were alive at all. 

Every day, Jim was dragged off to another room, and returned hours later bruised and bloody. They never took Spock anywhere. 

On the seventh day, Spock held Jim in his arms, with Jim’s head resting on his shoulders and his back pressed against Spock’s chest. One of Jim’s eyes was swollen shut, and his hair was matted with blood. His shirt was gone and his chest was a patchwork of wounds, some of which bled sluggishly. The worst were bandaged with the remnants of Spock’s uniform shirt, removed and torn to strips two days ago.  
With his superior hearing, Spock could hear Jim’s breath catch with every inhale. It sounded like there was something liquid in his throat, and whenever he coughed blood dripped past his lips. 

Every intake of breath, Spock would feel tears burning behind his eyes. He knew a few of them had slipped out already, because they burned him as they dripped down his cheek. He was lucky Jim lacked the strength to lift his head, so that he would not see just how pathetic Spock was. 

When the guards returned, after what seemed like minutes instead of hours, Spock dropped what was left of his Vulcan propriety and begged them to take him instead. Jim was conscious enough to grab Spock’s hand as he laid against him, whispering something even he couldn’t hear. The guards dragged him away again, and Spock sat alone in his cell and felt the tears fall down his face. This truly was the worst kind of agony, watching someone he loved so dearly die slowly and painfully. He wasn’t sure if Jim would return to him that night, it seemed likely he would die before then. 

Despite this, he was dragged back and dropped on the floor that night. Jim was nothing if not stubborn. Spock held him in his arms again, differently this time. He cradled him close, knowing from the lack of colour in Jim’s face and his rattling breath that he would not survive the night. Spock did not intend to either. 

So he sat on the dirt floor of their cell, holding Jim against his chest, refusing to let Jim die alone. Sometime during the night, late enough that Jim had awoken, if one could call it that, from his unconscious state. He tried valiantly to smile up at Spock, despite his state. He lifted an arm, slowly, and held Spock’s face in his hand, brushing away a tear with his thumb. 

“Don’t cry.” He whispered. “Not for me.” 

He supposed Jim was attempting to speak at a normal volume, but the weak whisper was all he could manage. Spock shook his head, deciding without thought to do what he had refused to. If they were going to die in this horrid place, Spock would not die with this secret. 

“I cannot stop.” He whispered back, his voice cracking in a way that would’ve embarrassed him so bad he wouldn’t have shown his face for a month, if he could spare the time to think about it.

“I love you.” 

A single tear slipped from Jim’s eye that was still able to open. Spock was shocked for a moment, not understanding why Jim was crying now. Jim, who had not shed a tear the entire time, despite the pain he must be in. 

“I’m going to die, Spock.” Jim whispered, pausing to cough up a small amount of blood. “Humour me. Just this once.” 

“Anything.” Spock replied. 

“Kiss me.” 

And so Spock did. Jim’s lips tasted like blood and salt, but they were somehow still soft and warm, everything that Spock had imagined and more. When they parted, Jim sighed softly, his good eye fluttering. He took Spock’s hand, holding it close to his chest, and Spock could feel his heartbeat. 

Jim sighed again. His good  
eye slowly closed, and he slumped unmoving against Spock’s chest. 

Spock could feel his heart being torn out as he choked back tears. He could feel the faint heartbeat under his hand, but somehow he knew that Jim wouldn’t make it much longer. His heartbeat was uneven and not as strong as it should be, a last attempt to survive his wounds. 

Then, without warning, Spock felt the strange tugging sensation of a transporter beam, and suddenly he was sitting in the cold metal of the transporter. 

Jim was taken from his arms almost instantly, but Spock couldn’t follow where he went afterward. The Enterprise as cold, and Spock was only wearing his black undershirt, having sacrificed his blues for makeshift bandages. He sat alone on the transporter pad, staring down at his hands, still covered in slowly drying blood. Someone placed a hand in his arm, and while he would’ve normally protested the touch he instead said nothing, and allowed himself to be lead back to his quarters. He felt dizzy, uncoordinated, but he made it back all the same. He turned to whoever had helped him — Nyota — and tried to thank her, but he couldn’t make a sound. She smiled at him with pain in her eyes and shut the door. He stood alone in the center of his room for some time before he staggered over to his bathroom and stepped into the shower fully clothed. At some point he came to his senses enough to strip down and shower properly, letting the sonic waves remove the blood and tears staining his skin. 

He staggered out of the shower some time later, although it had been off for a while. He dressed in a clean uniform, and sat down on his meditation mat in a vain attempt to regain some balance. He could not, however, not yet. 

He stood up, with some sort of balance regained, and made his way to sickbay. Doctor McCoy met him in the entry way. He looked tired, with dark purple bags under his eyes. Spock suddenly realized he had been in a daze for hours. 

“We’re very lucky we got him up here when we did. Another hour or two and the damage would’ve been irreversible.” 

Spock nodded and pretended he understood. McCoy lead him into a private room, where Jim lay surrounded by beeping machines. He was nearly the same colour as the bedspread, but he was alive. Spock reached out and brushed his hand against Jim’s bare arm, allowing the mental energy he sensed to prove that Jim was truly alive.

He thanked Doctor McCoy and returned to his quarters, sitting down to meditate. Before he did, however, he reached over and deleted the transfer request still open in his computer. For better or worse, he was staying on the Enterprise.


	4. Part Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here’s the last chapter, full of angst, plus a happy ending.

It took six and a half hours if meditation for Spock to feel even remotely stable again. 

With his new found balance, Spock went up to the bridge. He brushed away Scotty’s protests that Spock still wasn’t well enough to work, and dismissed him. With a final concerned glance at Nyota, Scotty stepped into the turbolift to return to engineering. Spock returned to his science station, hoping that the normality would help sooth his emotions. It was easy, this way, to pretend that Jim was simply attending to business elsewhere on the ship. Perhaps at a meeting with Doctor McCoy, or in engineering with Scotty, inspecting some Ensign’s work. 

Spock competed his shift, then went down to the science labs and completed the one after it too. He finished several experiments, wrote reports that were not due for weeks, and completed his crew evaluations eight days early. Eventually, he ran out of work to do, early in the morning. He had been back on the Enterprise for almost two days now. He had not slept since then. Truthfully, he could not remember the last time he had slept. Perhaps he had slept once during his capture, but he could not recall for sure. 

As if triggered by this realization, a wave of exhaustion swept over him. Perhaps it was time he returned to his quarters and slept. 

When Spock awoke, he could hear noises coming from the bathroom he shared with Jim. Perking up at the though of him being out of sickbay, Spock listened a little more intensely, trying to pick out specific sounds. There was the sound of something falling, then the sound I coughing and retching. Spock stood up, throwing off his blankets, and made his way briskly towards the door. He stopped, one hand hovering an inch from the door release. Perhaps he should not enter, as Jim would likely react poorly to Spock seeking him in such a state. However, if Jim was in distress he could not simply lay in bed and listen. As the sound of coughing accompanied by the short intakes of breath that came with it filtered through the door, Spock made his decision. 

He pressed the button and the door slid open, revealing a dark bathroom. The cup Jim kept on the counter to rinse his mouth was on the floor, knocked off at some point. That must have been the sound of something hurting the floor Spock heard. Sitting on the floor, curled in on himself, was Jim. He was bare chested, only wearing a pair of tattered pyjama pants. He had one arm resting on the toilet seat, holding himself up. His other arm was wrapped around his legs, which here folded up against his chest. His head rested on his knees, and he didn’t look up when Spock entered the room. 

Quickly taking in the situation, Spock picked up the cup off the floor and rinsed it before filling it with water and setting it on the counter. He knelt down in front of Jim and gently placed a hand on his shoulder. Jim jerked away, almost smacking his head into the wall, before he looked up and saw who it was. His eyes were watery and his cheeks were smudged with tears. His skin was clammy with sweat. Spock’s heart squeezed in his chest, a sensation he had only come to know when he became acquainted with Jim. He gently took hold of Jim’s forearms and helped him to his feet. Jim put up no resistance, wobbling to his feet while leaning heavily on Spock. 

Spock guided him to the counter and held him up while he rinsed out his mouth, trying to maintain his shields so as not to let Jim’s emotions slip past. Neither of them spoke for the time it took to help Jim clean up and brush his teeth. It was only after, when Spock attempted to guide Jim back to his quarters that he spoke. 

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” He muttered, gaze fixed on the floor. 

“There is not need to apologize. Should I help you return to sickbay?” 

Jim shook his head. “No. I’m fine. I just... this happens sometimes. I’m not sick.” He paused for a moment, contemplating, then continued. “Spock? Can we talk? In your quarters, preferably.” 

Spock nodded his assent, and they turned around, Jim walking on his own now. They walked over to the bed, and sat down across from each other. They stared for a moment, then Spock broke the silence. 

“I am sorry, Jim.” He said, trying valiantly to keep the emotion out of his voice. “I failed to save you. I could not prevent them from harming you. It is my duty, not only as your first officer but as your friend, to keep you safe. I cannot express how- ” 

“Did you mean it?” Jim interrupted. “When you said you loved me.” 

“I... yes. I did.” Spock replied softly, trying not to think of the circumstances surrounding the confession. “I have been and always shall be yours.” 

Jim reached out and took Spock’s hand, gently. “Is this okay?” 

Spock nodded. 

“I love you too, if that wasn’t clear already.” Jim added, a small smile in his face. 

Spock nodded, forcing himself not to feel, not to cry out of joy or perhaps relief. He reached over and combed Jim’s unruly hair down with his hand. “You should sleep. You need rest to recuperate.” 

Jim nodded, looking away. “I guess your right.” He moved to stand up from the bed, but Spock stopped him. 

“You may stay here tonight. If you wish.” Spock said, suddenly hesitant and unsure of himself. 

Jim beamed, and sat down again. “I would like to. If you’re okay.” 

“I would not have offered if I did not wish it.” 

Spock pulled back the covers and laid down, pulling Jim with him to that he was tucked against Spock’s chest, facing away from him. They laid in silence for a while, before Spock spoke up. 

“If I may ask... earlier tonight, when you were in the bathroom-“ 

Jim cut him off gently, saving him from his struggle to ask gently. “I have nightmares pretty frequently. Sometimes they’ll get bad enough that I’ll panic when I wake up, and sometimes I get sick. The last two weeks have been... nightmare fuel, to say the least. I can’t promise I won’t wake up again tonight.” 

Spock nodded, even though he knew Jim could not see it. “And I will be here for you if you do.” He promised. Jim sighed happily and snuggled closer, and Spock added a silent addition to his promise.

“For all eternity, my t’hy’la.”

**Author's Note:**

> There we go! I feel better now that this is done. Leave me some comments to fill the empty void in my soul! And also in exchange for more fics. I’m over on tumblr @not-chrispratt so come talk to me about Star Trek. As always, thank you so much for reading, have a wonderful morning/afternoon/evening/night!


End file.
